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Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.

• The psychotherapist practices as a American therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.