Those Advice from My Dad That Saved Us during my time as a New Father

"I believe I was merely in survival mode for twelve months."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of being a father.

Yet the reality soon became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was pushed into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I took on every night time, every change… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he reached burnout. It was a chat with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he required support.

The straightforward statement "You are not in a good place. You require some help. What can I do to assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and find a way back.

His story is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. Although people is now more accustomed to talking about the pressure on moms and about PND, far less attention is paid about the struggles dads go through.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his difficulties are symptomatic of a wider inability to communicate among men, who often hold onto harmful perceptions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and remains standing every time."

"It isn't a show of failure to seek help. I didn't do that soon enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not justified to be requesting help" - especially in preference to a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental health is equally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the chance to ask for a respite - spending a few days away, separate from the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions alongside the logistical chores of taking care of a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the expression of emotion and interpret his decisions as a father.

The idea of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen did not have consistent male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, profound difficult experiences resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says suppressing emotions caused him to make "bad actions" when he was younger to change how he felt, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt.

"You find your way to substances that don't help," he notes. "They can short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."

Strategies for Coping as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, speak to a trusted person, your spouse or a professional what you're going through. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the pursuits that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. Examples include going for a run, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the body - nutritious food, getting some exercise and where possible, resting, all are important in how your mental state is faring.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - listening to their stories, the difficult parts, as well as the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help isn't failing - taking care of your own well-being is the most effective way you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the death, having had no contact with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead give the safety and nurturing he lacked.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - processing the feelings in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men since they confronted their struggles, altered how they express themselves, and figured out how to manage themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, on occasion I feel like my purpose is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering an equal amount as you are on this path."